#Cyril O'Reilly

[rhetthammersmithhorror]

Darkroom | S1.EP11 | Catnip | 1981

story and teleplay by Robert Bloch

[nichethings]

ryan: man i fucking hate it here fuck everyone who lives in oz

cyril:

[imposterzoe]

Cyril: Ryan you need to go to the hospital

Ryan: This isn't our stab wound, Cyril. Shut the fuck up.

[ozimagines]

Hey there, buddy! I really hope that you knee surgery went well, and that you’ll be over the worst of the pain as soon as possible. Stay comfy and rest well. If you are not too swamped with requests, would you mind if I shoot one? Would you be able to write for Shannon O’Reily falling for a woman? Perhaps someone she initially believes to be a cute guy, only to find that she is a cute butch, and how she deals with that?

Y’all are so kind!❤️😭 Yeah it’s been… not fun. But you all delivered and I have a decent amount of requests (though I’m always hoping for more🥰) to help me take my mind off the pain. They’re all FUN requests too. I love this fandom’s creativity.

Before I write any of the characters, I track down all their scenes and watch them all to understand the character. I could see Shannon being a late in life lesbian. (Y’all don’t know much about me but I’m an early in life lesbian😂 Pansexual technically but I only seem to like fictional men and irl women lol) Sooo without further ado, I give you all;

(Also totally not basing this on the married woman I’m in love with at work and my girlfriend -open relationship- with a butch mullet… anyhoo…)

Shannon O’Reily Sullivan falling for a Butch Lesbian…

Fuck him. Real goddamn lowlife.

Shannon lit a cigarette between two trembling fingers. So he’d stay with her through high school, through infertility, through prison… but cancer was where he drew the line?

Prick. Real goddamn prick.

It’s not like she hadn’t been supportive. Like she hadn’t been up every night searching the internet for cancer treatments and the antioxidant smoothies and shit. Not like she’d been making a thousand phone calls to a thousand doctors to see if she couldn’t scrape together a better treatment than they’d give him in prison.

Shannon released the smoke in her lungs, but not the anger in her heart. She’d loved him. Actually loved him. And the first doctor who shook her tits in front of him stole him away. She puffed on the cigarette liked it’d be her last.

Now here she was, back in the city. Cyril was at his cousin’s now. Or someone’s. She’d actually miss that doofus. The way he watched her while she did her makeup and giggled whenever a certain blue dog got mail.

Now she had no one and nothing. Nothing of her old life. She’d left it all for him, and he’d left her for Dr. Nathan.

Fuck. She needed a drink.

She stopped off in some pub, she didn’t really read the sign. She plopped down on one of the barstools and flagged down the bartender.

“Whisky. Straight. Double.”

The bartender chuckled a little, and pushed back his hair.

“Sounds like you’ve had a day.”

“Don’t know the half of it, buddy.” She rasped, fingers reaching for another cigarette. The bartender held out a light. She looked him over. Cute features. Dark eyes. Kind of a feminine jaw if not for the masculine brows and piercings.

“Aren’t you the gentleman.” She said, sourly. “If my husband… ex-husband were anything like you, I wouldn’t be here.” 😅

“Hmm, wouldn’t have even had to ask if it was a rough day if you’d just lead with that.” He chucked a little, and flagged the other bartender to watch his checks. He poured her drink and handed it to her, and she shot it back, holding it in her mouth for a second so she could feel the burn. She made a gesture to fill it again. So he did. She threw it back again, just as effortlessly as the first, when she made the motion again, he stopped her.

“A better man isn’t at the bottom of this bottle, hon.”

Shannon got angry. Yet someone else dictating her life. The bartender seemed to understand this, so added;

“Just sit with it for a few seconds. I’m not saying I won’t serve you, just… pace yourself.” 🥲

After a second of silence, he asked,

“Who’s this shit ex?”

Shannon felt the tears well up in her eyes so she explained everything. The marriage. The infertility. The brother. The arrest. The cancer. Everything just came spilling out as she sobbed. Her head was starting to spin. She felt a hand on hers, a little bigger than her own.

“Sorry, hon. Sounds like a real piece of work. Still, he’s in pain and scared right now. Could be that. I’m not saying go back to him or anything, but… I’m saying it’s not you.”

She sniffs and drinks the water the guy pours for her.

“The real shitty part. The part that sucks more than anything else… I actually loved the bastard.”

“That’s always the kicker, isn’t it. You actually love them and then they do something that makes you feel like they were fooling you. You feel silly, and small.”

She sniffed, wiping at her mascara.

“What bitch broke your heart?”

He laughed at her bluntness and reflected.

“Emily. Sweet girl. Beautiful girl. Though… she would always do this thing where if something was funny she’d actually said “wait that’s so funny”. Every time. Like it was just occurring to her.”

They both laughed. Shannon’s fingers stopped trembling.

“Ryan once complained that it was cold but he hated wearing socks to bed so the idiot literally cut the toe off the sock.”😂

Shannon and the bartender laugh for ten minutes about their past relationships. For just ten minutes, she got to remember and forget that bastard all at once. 🙂

“Sorry, I never got your name.” Shannon giggled, head starting to spin.

“Natalie.”

“…what.”

Shannon’s head popped up and she really looked at her bartender closely. That feminine jaw started looking a lot more suspicious, even if the mullet had thrown her off. And the lashes a little too long. Lips a little too full… oh god.

“Youre a chick?” She almost accused. The bartender seemed confused.

“Last time I checked, yeah.”

“But… your ex girlfriend?”

“Yeah?”

Shannon hadn’t been living under a rock. She’d heard about lesbians. She’d just never met one so frank. She grabbed her bag, embarrassed.

“Im sorry I thought you were… someone else.”🥸

She rushes out of the bar, only to hear a voice call after her.

“I’m sorry, Shannon!”

She sighed in the doorway and turned around and went back.

“I’m sorry, honey. I’m a little turned around right now.” She said to Natalie, who just gave a sad smile.

“You’re okay. Just kind of thought you knew.”

“Well, I didn’t. You… don’t exactly look traditionally feminine.”

“Yeah, worked on that for years.” Natalie responded.

Shannon laughed.

“If I may ask… what’s the draw?” Shannon leaned forward and whispered. Natalie leaned forward too, and whispered back.

“First of all, I don’t know why we’re whispering. You’re the only one here who didn’t know I’m gay.”

Shannon snickered and went to light another cigarette. Natalie outstretched a lit lighter.

“Second, I don’t know. I just saw guys in their clothes and thought it looked comfortable. Put em on, and suddenly I just felt like myself.”

“So, you like being confused with a guy?”

“I like being me. If other people confuse me with a man, I’ll just correct them. Although…”

“Although?” Shannon asked, sipping on her water again.

“Its not like I haven’t used he/him pronouns before. Sometimes the girl isn’t ready to be with someone super feminine, sometimes I have to pretend to be a guy in public just so we aren’t harassed.”

“Jesus.” Shannon was playing with her long nails.

“That’s also kind of a no no.” The woman gestured to her nails.

“You’re not allowed to look great as a lesbian?”

Natalie tells Shannon the history of lesbian culture that she needs to know. Doc martins and plaid and all that.

“Too bad.” Shannon mentions into her promised third whiskey. Natalie asks what she means.

“Too bad you’re a woman, I mean.” Shannon smiled. “I’ve liked talking to you, Natalie.

“You can keep talking to me even though I’m a woman, y’know.”

“I’m not a lesbian.”

“You don’t have to be a lesbian to talk to a lesbian. We can still hang if you want. Promise I’ll get no ungentlemanly ideas.”

Shannon agrees.

They get coffee with each other before work every day. It’s a lot of Shannon badmouthing Ryan but sometimes they talk about other things.

They start hanging out at nights at each other’s homes. They start watching shows together. Start ordering food for each other.

Shannon is crying one day when Natalie gets there.

“What’s going on, hon?”

Shannon explains that she has to give Ryan the divorce paperwork to sign and go over everything.

“I can’t face him. Not him and his new woman.”

“…you could always take me.”

Natalie explains to Shannon that she can pretend to be her new girlfriend for the paperwork. Just so that Ryan doesn’t pull any shit about her not having anyone.

“I’ve done this for a few of my straight friends. Guys have fewer questions when their woman shows up with a woman.”

Shannon agrees, taking Natalie up with her to go see Ryan.

He’s shamelessly flirting with Dr. Nathan, who is doing her best to ignore him. Natalie leads Shannon in by her hand.

“Ryan.”

“Shannon.” He acknowledged her as coolly as she did him. He notices Natalie over her shoulder.

“Who’s the dyke?”

Shannon’s face burned.

“This is Natalie. She’s been a lot of help since the divorce.” Shannon throws the papers down at Ryan. “Just give me the house. Not like you’re gonna use it any time soon anyway.”

“Fine.” Ryan starts to sign. His eyes keep getting drawn up towards Natalie, who’s stroking her arm softly. “Oh, I see.”

“I’m betting you’re wrong.”

“No, it’s just that it usually takes women a lot longer to go lez.”

“You’re a pig.”

“Nah, I think I got this figured out.”

“You certainly do,” Natalie jumped in, “if you’re implying your dick put her off men in general.”

Shannon laughed and covered her mouth. She’d spoken back to Ryan dozens of times, but never like that.

Ryan’s face goes red. He signs the forms.

“Yeah yeah, just take the butch and leave.”

Shannon is giggling and holding Natalie’s arm the entire way out.

“The look on his face!” Shannon shrieked, throwing her head back to laugh again. “And I got the house! All thanks to you, Nat.”

“Thanks, Shannon, but that was all you-“

Shannon feels her lips on Natalie’s before she even realizes it was her that leaned forward.

“I… I’m sorry. I don’t know what came over me.”

“…you’re good.” Natalie responds with a smile. Shannon catches herself staring again.

“I’m just all turned around right now.”

“That’s okay too.”

“I didn’t mean to-“

“Shannon, it’s okay. I’m here if you want a friend. I’d be lying if I said I wouldn’t settle for more. I’ve just learned my lesson getting my hopes up on straight women.”

Shannon thinks for a second, chuckling darkly into her cigarette.

“Why don’t we though?”

“Hmm?”

“Why don’t we go out?”

“… if I’ve not been grossly misinformed thus far, it’s because you’re straight.”

“Am I? I think you’re funny, and sweet, and cute. We get coffee. We call each other over on bad nights. We do everything lovers do except we don’t call it that. Why don’t we just call it that then, if that’s the only thing we’re missing. I don’t know if I’m gay. I just know that if you were a man, I’d have no doubts. So it’s worth a try at least.”

Natalie doesn’t know how to respond. She felt herself falling for a straight woman again.

But Natalie can’t say no to those intense eyes.

Natalie crept a hand around Shannon’s.

“Let’s try it then.”

Shannon was right, they were basically living as lovers.

Natalie would come over with food for Shannon after a bad day. Not that box of chocolates and champagne shit. Natalie brings a gallon of chocolate milk and some cheese its. Soul food.

Shannon gets her period on a date and gets embarrassed.

“Babe, c’mon.”

Natalie makes her a makeshift heat pack and orders tacos.

“Can you go to the store and get me some tampons?”

“…I could do that. Or you could just use mine.”😂

Shannon isn’t butch but is intrigued when her closet just doubled in size. She also likes to dress Natalie.

Natalie is decked out, head to toe in a little black dress and heels.

“Get this off of me, Shanna Banana.”

“You look like my own personal Barbie!”

She comes along physically. The kisses are first. Then some light petting. Then more intense and sexual acts.

“Huh.”

“Yeah?”

“Just realized I’m physically attracted to you.”

“…yay?”

Shannon asks a lot of questions starting with “do lesbians ______?”

Natalie pretends it’s a game show.

“Can this baby gay determine if lesbians are capable of doing something, more after these messages.”

Natalie introduces her to girl showers/baths.

“Even the butchiest butch knows how to set up a good bath for her girl.”

They get a Polaroid and just take pictures of each other to hang around the house.

Historians will say they were best friends.

Shannon still doesn’t get that joke.

They adopt a dog together. Duke the Great Dane.

They love their big tired boy.

Shannon loves going shopping with Natalie. Natalie doesn’t like it as much as Shannon does, but she gets the feeling Ryan wasn’t very supportive of things she liked.

You watch Baseball together. Yankees mostly.

Shannon just likes yelling at the ref.

She finally gets to try making new food. Ryan was a picky eater and Cyril even more so -but she doesn’t blame Cyril for any of that.

Finally gets to try that Romanian place everyone was fussing over.

Shannon likes legos. Likes building the flower models for around the house. She starts building everything they need; pencil holders, jewelry boxes, even a fruit bowl.

She never needs Natalie’s help speaking up for herself again. Shannon’s a tough, Irish bitch. Do something wrong and she’ll let you know.

For the first time in a long time, Shannon was happy. Really happy.

She’d become happy she’d been forced into a divorce. She’d never have met Natalie.

Turned out she was worth it to someone. Just one person. And that’s all she needed. ❤️

Bonus: Shannon’s breakup song with Ryan is No Children, by the Mountain Goats. She sings it at the top of her lungs during karaoke. She always hits the line “I hope that if I found the strength to walk out, you’d stay the hell out of my way” a little harder.

[actorsinunderwear]

Cyril O'Reilly in Dance of the Damned (1989)

[brokehorrorfan]

Dance with Death and Dance of the Damned have been released on Blu-ray together via Scream Factory. Limited to 1,500, the double feature is available for $29.98 exclusively from Shout Factory.

Dance with Death is a 1992 serial killer thriller directed by Charles Philip Moore (Demon Wind) and written by Daryl Haney (Friday the 13th Part VII: The New Blood). Maxwell Caulfield, Barbara Alyn Woods, and Martin Mull star.

Dance of the Damned is a 1989 vampire film directed by Katt Shea (The Rage: Carrie 2, Poison Ivy) from a script she co-wrote with Andy Ruben (Poison Ivy). Starr Andreeff and Cyril O'Reilly star.

Dance with Death has been newly mastered in 4K from the original camera negative with DTS-HD Master Audio Mono, while Dance of the Damned has been newly scanned in 2K from the only surviving film print DTS-HD Master Audio Stereo.

Both films are executive produced by Roger Corman. The only special features are trailers.

Special features:

Dance with Death trailer

Dance of the Damned trailer

In order to investigate a serial killer stalking the dancers at a strip club, a society reporter must go to the darkest places her journalistic career has ever taken her in Dance with Death.

Dance of the Damned is a sensual and supernatural tale of a vampire drawn to Jodi, a suicidal dancer. Together, they cross the unspeakable boundaries that separate the living and the undead.

[brookstonalmanac]

Birthdays 9.10

Beer Birthdays

William H. Worthington II (1764)

Ken Hickmott (1952)

Nico Freccia (1964)

Collin McDonnell (1985)

Porter Brookston (2001)

Five Favorite Birthdays

Jared Diamond; biologist, writer (1937)

Colin Firth; actor (1960)

Stephen Jay Gould; paleontologist, writer (1941)

Roger Maris; New York Yankees RF (1934)

John Soane; English architect (1753)

Famous Birthdays

Roy Ayers; Vibraphonist (1940)

Roy Brown; blues singer (1925)

Chris Columbus; film director (1958)

Arthur Compton; physicist (1892)

Cyril Connolly; English writer (1903)

Jose Feliciano; pop singer (1945)

Isaac Funk; publisher of "Funk & Wagnalls" (1839)

Amy Irving; actor (1953)

Georgia Douglas Johnson; writer (1880)

Randy Johnson; Arizona Diamondbacks P (1963)

Charles Kuralt; television journalist (1934)

Karl Lagerfield; German fashion designer (1933)

Patrick O'Brien; actor (1915)

Bill O'Reilly; television wingnut (1949)

Arnold Palmer; golfer (1929)

Joe Perry; rock guitarist (1950)

Ryan Phillippe; actor (1974)

Henry Purcell; English composer (1659)

Guy Ritchie; English film director (1968)

Yma Sumac; Peruvian singer (1922)

Rin Tin Tin; German shepherd (1918)

Carl van Doren; writer (1885)

Franz Werfel; German writer (1890)

Robert Wise; film director (1914)

[if-you-fan-a-fire]

"MAGISTRATE HAS HOPE FOR YOUNG ROBBERS," Toronto Star. August 3, 1934. Page 12. ---- Thinks They May Yet Tum Out To Be Good Citizens ---- Three youths, Stanley Lockock, Julius Cascone and Robert Atherky, appeared before Magistrate Brown in police court on two charges of stealing gasoline from service stations in Orillia.

They were sentenced to one year in the reformatory on charges of auto theft, by Magistrate Jones earlier in the week.

"I don't like to add to that sentence." commented the bench. "These boys may yet make good citizens."

He remanded them for sentence on the Orillia charges to which all pleaded guilty.

Michael O'Shea, alleged former member of the Toronto police force, and Cyril O'Reilly, were each remanded to Aug. 10 on charges of conducting a lottery.

Stole Milk Tickets Fred Jackson, 30, was remanded for sentence to Aug. 10. after he was convicted of stealing $45 in cash and $60 worth of milk tickets from Robert McMillan, Carlton st., whom he admitted was a former friend.

McMillan charged that Jackson had come to visit him and after he left the tickets and money were missing.

As Mrs. McMillan told a similar story accused asked permission to ask her questions.

"Didn't you ask me to go with you to find your husband who had been drinking all night?" he asked.

Witness denied the statement.

"Didn't you go with me to a hotel and didn't you stay there with me until 10 o'clock at night?" he persisted.

"I did not," the woman replied.

"Don't try to blacken these people," said the magistrate.

Jackson declared he had been at a downtown hotel accompanied by three women on the night he allegedly stole the money from the husband of one of them.

He declared he was married and had two children. His own wife was not in the party, he stated.

"Apparently you're not doing the right thing by your own family," commented Magistrate Browne.

Jackson nodded his head in agreement.

He admitted he had taken the cash but denied knowledge of the missing milk tickets.

John Tompkins pleaded guilty te being drunk last night, when he appeared before Magistrate Robert J. Browne in early men's police court to-day.

"I was drunk all right, but why they have to take you to the station and beat you up, I'd like to know," he said, when asked to plead.

Magistrate Browne remanded him until to-morrow, to await further information.

Robert Laurie and Michael McManus were each fined $50 or one month when convicted on drunk charges.

Joseph Murphy pleaded not guilty to a drunk charge but he was found guilty and fined $10 or 10 days.

John Strand and Squire Glen were also assessed $10 or 10 days when convicted of being drunk last night.

Remands were given to Norman Maiden, Frank Reid, Harry Mars, James Barson and Thomas O'Neil on drunk charges. All were first offenders.

Hit Police Cruiser As a result of a report received by police that a car had been drives over the sidewalk on Church St. en July 25, Joseph Brown was pursues in a police cruiser and arrested on College St.

This morning he appeared in traffic and liquor court charged with reckless driving.

P. C. Coathus said: "Brown ran into the right front fender of the police cruiser causing around damage."

"$20 or 30 days with permit cancelled for 10 days," pronounced Magistrate Tinker.

Testifying in the case of Wm. Willison, accused of reckless driving, P.C. McGregor said: "The accused man attempted to pass northbound traffic on Yonge St. and collided with a southbound car. At the same time he struck the car right behind him, causing $100 damage." The driver of the damaged car stated Willison had agreed to make reparation.

A fine of $30 or 30 days and ten days' imprisonment was imposed.

Richard Tomlinson, a truck farmer, charged with B.L.C.A.. pleaded that police had mistaken the smell of garlic for beer, but he was assessed $20 or ten days.

Wm. Donaghue and his wife were haled into court for permitting drunkenness this morning and the husband was fined $25 or 30 days.

"His foot may have slipped, but a well-directed penalty may put him right," said Magistrate Tinker in response to L. O'Connor's plea for leniency for his client, Wm. Farrell. accused of B.L.C.A.

P.C. Lee testified he and P.C. Forbes found accused and three others drinking beer in a house on Dundas St. W.

Farrell was fined $15 or 30 days.

Alwynne E. Thompson, husband of Mrs. Viola Thompson, whose body was found behind a lilac bush on Blythwood Rd., last month, was remanded to August 10, on a charge of per

jury, for which he has been in prison since a woman reported to police that Thompson had taken out a license to marry her. Thompson was held in the cells till his name was called from the list. He walked up the steps slowly, and stared about as his counsel.

T. B. Horkins, asked for remand. No bail was granted.

[serpentmessmer]

Top 5 rarepairs GO!

[cracks my knuckles] now you all get to know the shapes of the hells i go through every day of my life

Dean Winchester/Laura Palmer (0 works on Ao3) (because i nEED TO FINISH MY FUCKING FIC GOD FUCK SHIT DAMMIT)

Ragnar Lothbrok/Rollo Sigurdsson (3 works on Ao3)

Ryan O'Reilly/Cyril O'Reilly (4 works on Ao3)

Kurapika/Uvogin (14 works on Ao3)

Pyrrha Dve/G1deon (21 works on Ao3)

as you can see, anon, i am fucking starving

[serpentmessmer]

i read "bonus points if its an incest ship" so strap in

i've been watching oz and the relationship between Ryan and Cyril O'Reilly has me doing fucking laps. ryan caused cyril to become brain damaged AND is the reason why cyril's in jail and he's so casually mean to his brother all the time but is also the most insanely protective older brother i've seen in a long fuckin time they share a cell and cyril never goes anywhere without ryan right near him and i feel certifiably fucking insane thinking about all of the guilt ryan's got going on and all the ways he tries to "make it right" when he really never can, and also does not have the life skills to even really make an honest attempt at it that doesn't end in lying or violence

also i caught a shot of them literally walking in perfect unison with each other and i'm climbing the fucking walls

like ARE YOU SHIDDING ME

it’s my birthday!!! tell me about something you love!!!

[danthepest]

One fascinating thing about HBO’s Oz is looking at all the extras and main characters and figuring out their social circles within Em City and reactions to events. And even some throwaway dialogue and facial expressions tell you so much about the characters.

Like, Ryan O’Reily hung out with Beecher, Hill and Rebadow A LOT. He didn’t involve any of them in his schemes, nor did he target them for anything. He didn’t need to be around them for political purposes. He seemed to actually enjoy their company. Beecher and Ryan were pretty friendly for almost the entire series, barring that one episode in Season 4. Every time it showed something bad happening to Beecher, Ryan has a disgusted look on his face and even tried to wake him up when Beecher was sleeping off a hang over in season 2. Adebisi even shielded Ryan from Robson twice during Ryan’s little skirmishes with the Aryans in the kitchen.

Then there’s Timmy Kirk, before he went full on insane with his religious fanaticism. They way he introduces Patrick Keenan to Ryan and keeps throwing glances at him makes it seem like he did this as a favor to Ryan, knowing how he felt about Gloria. Introducing the guy and telling him he was the one who raped Dr. Nathan all but guaranteed Patrick’s death.

Beecher seemed pretty friendly with the Italians even before his deal with Pancamo. He was cheerfully playing basket ball with Zanghi and the others before he was told about his children being kidnapped. Beecher in general appeared to be, if not respected, liked by a number of inmates who weren’t with the Bikers and Aryans.

Bob Rebadow had butted heads and disagreed with Kareem Said in almost every conversation they had together, yet he was horrified when he learned of his death. He was also one of the few people who always treated Beecher well and seemed to care about his well being. Well, as much as he could bring himself to, considering how he’s seen so many prisoners come and go. When Beecher returned after his arms and legs were broken, he actually Rebadow actually touches Hill as if to alert him on his return and even says “hello Tobias”.

Vincent D'Arbouze, the poor lad who was Adebisi’s prag always hung around the Christians, probably seeking solace and comfort in Christianity.

Even someone as lame as Glen Shupe was seen hanging around Liam Meaney, Ryan and Cyril in a number of scenes. Cloutier hung around Beecher and Ryan. Busmalis and Rebadow would occasionally sit down with Fiona and Tony Masters etc.

Man, say what you want about Oz and the writing, but it truly was a unique show in the way it was filmed. Everyone had to be consistent and in character regardless if they were the main focus of the scene or not. They had to time everything right wherever a scene took place and sometimes you’d have so much going on in a single shot/take. It’s amazing. No show has done it since, at least to my knowledge.

[nichethings]

cyril's actor has so much rizz its not even funny

[allthefilmsiveseenforfree]

Porky’s

Do you ever look at a pug and think “I can’t believe you’re descended from wolves”? That’s kind of how I feel going into a completely cold viewing of Porky’s (requested by Chad, of course). I’ve seen many a teen sex comedy in my day, but this is the granddaddy of them all and I’ve never seen it. This is the wolf that walked so American Pie the pug could run. I’m not expecting anything resembling likeable characters or good writing here, but I am curious about why this movie was the one to really break out and make a name for itself. There’s not much plot to be had - a group of horny dudes at a Florida high school in the 1950s are sex-crazed monsters who set up elaborate pranks on each other, objectify women, terrorize sex workers, and learn an after-school special lesson about racism, maybe? There’s also a side plot about Kim Cattrall howling like a dog during sex. So far, I’m not seeing where the enduring legacy is coming from. As a sex comedy, it’s terribly unfunny AND deeply unsexy, but like a weird Trojan horse plot twist, this is the best ACAB propaganda advocating for abolition of the police (and with its weird racist undertones, probably abolition of ICE as well!) that I’ve ever seen. Truffles in shit, I guess?

Some thoughts:

I see that we’re using the Grease method of casting 35-year-olds to play teenagers. Maybe everyone born in the mid-30s actually did look twice their age when they were in high school. They went through the war, that shit prematurely ages a person. 

WOW there are way more racial slurs being thrown around than I expected. I mean, I expected some, sure, but wow, this is a lot. Exotic ones, too, not just your typical anti-black nonsense. 

We do see some peen and a lot of male butts, so there’s at least some equal opportunity exploitation here. 

Interesting that there’s a subplot about Tim (Cyril O’Reilly) and his just-out-of-prison father being abusive as if we’re attempting to humanize and soften the most virulent racist - we’re talking real in-your-face bigotry - in the film. Are they actually trying to make Schwartz (Scott Colomby) feel sympathy for his abuser because Tim’s dad beat him up after Tim assaulted Schwartz and lost? And the resolution is for Tim to stand up to his dad and say “If being a man means being what you are, I’d rather be queer.” Has...has anyone written about the homoerotic relationship between Tim and Schwartz? The way they protect each other and have that nice little moment after Tim’s dad is arrested? There’s an enemies-to-lovers slow burn fanfic OR a dissertation in here about compulsory heterosexuality in teen sex comedies - I’d read either one.. 

The actual Porky’s club is a nightmare - there’s Confederate flags everywhere, and one of the patrons tries to assault one of the dancers. Also Mr. Porky refers to his dancers as piglets, so good job! I hate Porky’s the most out of everything I hate in this movie!  

Nice to see that the cops are good ol boys blatantly racketeering and extorting money from folks who are, admittedly, assholes but still. They don’t even pretend not to be dirty cops. These are the villains of the movie. 

I also feel like it’s significant that Schwartz is the only character who seems even remotely decent. It’s as if his status as the Other means he’s de-sexed and not allowed to participate in the creepy behavior of the rest of the guys, but by extension that actually means he’s the only one I’d be willing to spend more than 30 seconds with.  

It feels as if this script was just a collection of pranks the writers came up with and the flimsiest wet tissue paper plot to connect them all together. Rather than the precursor to American Pie, this lives comfortably in that space that all those terrible spoof movies of the early 2000s did - Date Move, Epic Movie, Disaster Movie, etc. If your plot is just a series of 2-to-4-word “joke” pitches on post it notes (locker room peephole! Gym teacher grabs dick! Woman howls during sex! Naked running!)...you know what, I was gonna say something insulting, but this movie made truckloads of money for the creators, so what the fuck do I know? Keep doing your thing I guess even if it’s more depressing than - and contains the same amount of artistic integrity as - a crusty pan of congealed eggs at the breakfast buffet in a strip club just like Porky’s. 

The infamous shower scene is horrifying for all of the sexual harassment, but turns out there’s also a bunch of virulent fatphobia and the sexual assault of one of the peeping toms as well. Just when you think this movie can’t fit any more horrors in it, it really steps up to the plate. Also, for any of you aspiring screenwriters out there, I’mma need you to jot this down - girls’ reaction to being watched in the shower is not to find it hilarious and want to further engage with the peeping tom.

I’m no structural engineer, but I just don’t think a couple of piece of shit fishing boats and a 20 horsepower 1951 Chevy pickup can pull out the foundation of an entire building. Like, fuck Porky’s - I have no problem with this plan to basically demolish the building, but I find it hard to believe that this infrastructure is so shoddy that you can just take it out no sweat. The WPA probably built that bridge! That’s some solid American craftsmanship!

In the big climax, the villains of the piece (the bad cops) are outsmarted by the good cops - you know, the ones who are also engaging in  intimidation, threats with a deadly weapon, and extortion. But see, they ARE pretending they aren’t dirty, and that’s what makes them the good guys! Literally, the showdown ends up being “you’re corrupt, but we’re more corrupt, and if you try to prove it you’ll have to expose how corrupt you are so MIC DROP BITCHES” and then the good cops break some headlights and that’s the end of the movie. So the moral of the story is that we live in a terrifying police state and cops can do whatever they want, and you just better hope that the cops are on YOUR side. Am I saying that this movie influenced NWA when they wrote and released “Fuck tha Police” in 1988? No. But I’m not NOT saying it. 

Did I Cry? Only on the inside.

You already know if you’re going to like this movie before you watch it. What you might not know is that this is the highest-grossing movie from Canada for over 20 years. Everything about my experience of watching this movie was perplexing, and the way that fact makes me feel pretty much encapsulates the rest of my feelings on the matter. 

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[badmovieihave]

Bad movie I have  Porky’s the Ultimate Collection  It has Porky’s 1981, Porky’s II: The Next Day 1983 and Porky’s Revenge 1985

[mash-notes]

“A Holy Mess”: file this mess-tent opera under “ahead of its time.” The sensitive treatment of Pvt. Nick Gillis (Cyril O’Reilly) is an exercise in true compassion, without a doubt Father’s finest hour. But when the soldier, distraught and gone AWOL over his wife’s secret baby with another man, picks up a rifle to threaten Mulcahy, it turns for a moment into a frank discussion of mental illness and guns-- astonishing even to 2019 eyes.

Father, with a mixture of anger and understanding, talks Gillis out of violence until he throws the gun aside in a tearful apology. It’s then decided the soldier is one for Sidney Freedman, not for the MP’s. (Meanwhile, another “mess” happens when a tray of scrambled eggs turns over in the confusion. On top of everything else, the MASH writers really knew how to massage an episode title.)

[spockvarietyhour]

Second Unit Director Bill Paxton, show me the slutty golf.